TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (Sept. 1)
You’re an individual acting rationally in your own self-interest in the marketplace, and today you will really reap the rewards of this. No, you’re not getting a pay-rise, those are for CEOs and corporate lobbyists. The company you work for has now made union-membership voluntary rather than mandatory. Choice is your right as a free-thinking individual, and now you can negotiate your contracts directly with your employer and individually taylor it to your personal needs! You are powerful and should not listen to those who try to drag you down with the implication you may instead be at the mercy of the powerful. As McDonalds is in the ascendance, some of you will feel the powerful guiding force of the hand of the Free Market more strongly. Take heed though, the Nanny State hides in the shadows. Don’t rely on others to support you, that is amoral.

 

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Today you will be fired and replaced with an unpaid intern. Take solace in the knowledge that the Free Market economy is working as intended.

 

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that community and society exist. That is Communist plot to highjack your worth as an individual. You’re not a Communist are you? I didn’t think so.

 

GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Powerful people are almost always correct, especially rich people espousing tax cuts for the super-wealthy. You don’t want to punish success, do you?

 

CANCER (June 22-July 22)
If anyone mentions child poverty today, be sure to tell them the only solution is tax cuts to wealthy and businesses. Never forget to mention trickle-down economics. It is definitely not discredited.

 

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
It will feel a bit like you’re a tiny cog in a giant machine today, but remember the mantra: “Deregulate, deregulate, deregulate”. If there’s a question about what’s appropriate, you are wise to err on the consumerist side.

 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don’t be tempted to find solace in the company of your friends. Friendship is illusory and merely reflects mutual self interest. 

 

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Today, some poor people will complain that they are not getting enough assistance. You’ll be the discerning one who can see that poor people are always lazy and should stop being poor.

 

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
If you choose to help others, you are simply undermining their ability to perform as rational individuals who behave in their own self-interest. If you choose to purchase, you choose patriotism. 

 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Be stronger; make money. The weak can’t do it. It’s up to you now. How do you feel? Strong enough? OK then. Earn. They’ll follow your example.

 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Something you told yourself recently is not quite right. Is there another voice that rings true in your ears? That’s right, it’s the Invisible Voice of the Invisible Hand of the Free Market. So I guess the hand has a mouth on it? 

 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The conundrum of the day: You are wealthy, but not quite wealthy enough to pay less tax. Solution: Keep imagining a day when you will be wealthy enough to perform tax avoidance with real aplomb.

 

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Call it freedom — the freedom to trade with countries that your country has signed restrictive contracts with and prevent you from trading with those you haven’t. Hmmm, can you taste the freedom?

(Thanks to Chris Bear-Strong & Billy Aiken for your valued contributions. May the Free Market be with you.)

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