Archives for posts with tag: neo-liberalism

Hi New Zealand,

National cares about you guys like soooooooo much. Not even kidding. I mean, I’m really relaxed about it, but we’ve been working for New Zealand heaps. You’ve seen me on the news working at denying allegations for New Zealand, working at falsifying crime stats, for New Zealand, working on loosening New Zealand’s labour laws for New Zealand, kicking people off benefits for New Zealand, ignoring scandals for New Zealand.

I think New Zealanders know that we really have New Zealand’s best interests in mind. I mean, when Paula Bennett gets the stats put to her about the number of people living in poverty who are also working (40% of those in poverty are working), compared to those on benefits, it drives her to look for ways to make changes, and drive even more people into working poverty. It’s just better that way — poverty we don’t have to pay for.

I think most New Zealanders agree with me when I say poor people should all get jobs. Because you’re 60 times more likely to be a poor if you’re not working. I know, because I am super good at maths, that’s how come I know that trickle down economics is pretty much the best kind of trickle that there is.




And rich people are definitely the right people to run economies. No conflicts of interest have arisen at any point, and definitely not in my cabinet. Not at all. If you hear any different then it’s a left-wing smear campaign and it’s all lies and I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m probably still pretty comfortable about it, you know? (Also, maybe tax cuts? Yeah, you like that don’t you, New Zealand?)

Paula knows that the best thing for the poors is work, and that’s why we’re forcing them off benefits and into work. I mean, two or more jobs at unliving wages taxed higher than everyone else with one job is at least 40% better than being a poor on the benefit, that’s just maths and junk.

I mean, at least they get out of the house and away from those hungry children they’ve got.

(Also, possibly there’ll be tax cuts if we get the benefit claimants right down. Don’t worry about homeless people, they’ll mostly be living in people’s garages where you can’t see them, and your local councils will ban the ones who turn up outside Smith & Caugheys smelling funny and making you feel uneasy and guilty about buying things — you have a right to feel as comfortable as I do about everything.)

And you really shouldn’t worry about poors turning to a life of crime to support themselves and their families. That won’t happen on my watch. And if it does, don’t worry, because I’m tough on crime. And criminals. Little known fact about my government: criminals aren’t allowed to vote anymore! Cool eh? Oh, I mean, it was on the news, but I mean, hardly important if you consider that David Cunliffe might’ve bought a bottle of wine that one time. (No new taxes!)

Yeah, tough on crime! But a sensible level of toughness. I mean, I like to call it tough love, because we’re going to make them work full-time jobs for free because we love money and privatisation, but it’s tough, because we’re making criminals work which is tough for them because they turned to crime because they were lazy and just didn’t want to get one of the many, many jobs available in our rockstar economy! After all, prison isn’t a holiday camp, it’s a business.

Anyway, as I was saying. The other thing that we really know is gonna help people find better jobs is a more competitive market place with greater flexibility. Sounds choice as eh? At the end of the day, New Zealanders just want to drink a beer and watch the All Blacks win the rugby and think about one day maybe being lucky enough to have a selfie with me. Because at the end of the day, isn’t that what matters? A Prime Minister who will front up to the hard work of PR?


Hey, did you see me on the cover of Rugby News? I’m pretty much an honorary All Black. It’s thanks to me they won the World Cup. Really, I’m just like Richie MacCaw. Except richer obviously.

Right, like I was saying before I interrupted me, the marketplace needs competition and what better way to add that than by introducing mandatory 40-hour work weeks for prisoners, to compete with the working poor for the absolute cheapest labour possible. I think most New Zealanders agree that everyone should have to work and earn their living here. And actually I think that most prisoners will find that they’re at least 40% better off under this scheme than that other one. And I guess if they’re not then that’s cool too, because it’s not like they can do anything about it in the end. 

Oh hey, did I mention tax cuts? We’re definitely going to give you tax cuts possibly in a few years time if the economy is still rocking like the rockstar it is (and by extension also me) and maybe if Bill English isn’t a meanie. I mean, we might end up increasingly GST, but that doesn’t mean we’ve lied, because we never promised no tax increases, just no new taxes.

Anyway, you better get used to all this, because as my friends in the media like to say, it’s all over bar the shouting (I affectionately like to call them “glove-puppets of Cameron Slater” — it’s kind of an in-joke, don’t feel bad if you don’t get it — most New Zealanders don’t even care about glove-puppets).

We’ve already won. You can tell, because Kate Middleton’s pregnant again, and if that’s not a good omen for me, then I don’t know what is. Have you seen all the pictures of me with Kate and William and stuff when they came last time? We had a barbecue and some beers, right out of the bottle, roughing it, y’know, just two manly men with giant hunks of meat the size of a baby. ‘Cause I’m not sorry to be a man — in fact, if anything I’m not sorry not to be a not-man. I think I’ve made myself clear on this issue and I won’t be taking more questions unless they’re about rugby or royals, or having a beer with me, Honest John Key.



Judith will be back after the election to be tough on crime again, since this has been something she’s allegedly been working on with Serco for ages. I mean, they might have had so many dinners over this plan, you wouldn’t believe how much Serco probably donated to our campaign as a result. But if there’s any unwisdom going on with Judith I will be sure to root it out and be publicly disappointed with it while pretty much doing nothing about it actually, you can count on me!

Don’t listen to what Winston says about Royal Commissions of Inquiry, because there’s nothing behind the curtain! It’s the same thing as a regular old Commission of Inquiry, except who appoints people, which you know, I mean, I think most New Zealanders agree that should be me. If I can’t be trusted to run my own inquiry into my own cabinet’s actions and self-regulate my own cabinet, then what does that say about self-regulation? That it doesn’t work? Another smear!

Winston’s such a liar. He lies all the time. I never lie, and I especially never lie about not lying. It’s all a left-wing smear anyway, they’re just threatened by how great I am.

Threatened by how great New Zealand is under National. I mean, it has been great hasn’t it? We’re all so much better under my fudged crime stats, my fudged employment stats and my glove-puppet media machine that helps expose important, sexy penis-in-vagina corruption like the Len-Brown type, not boring old bureaucratic political corruption like Official-Information-Act-request type. Sex scandals, not paperwork scandals unless they involve eleven-year-old letters! That’s one of National’s primary campaign promises. Also maybe tax cuts.

Obviously, we believe in working for New Zealand (especially if you’re a New Zealander in privatised prison), and trying to scare most New Zealanders about left-wing alliances.

And at the end of the day, isn’t that what most New Zealanders want? To be scared and rich, trapped in their heavily defended homes, while those nasty poors get put into privatised slavery one by one? (Oh yeah, we’re increasing military spending too. It’ll be sweet, promise.) I’m pretty sure that’s what most New Zealanders want.

Yours knowingly, confidently and totally comfortable with that,

John Key


PS, Here’s a picture of me with a kitten from the Whale Oil website, which you should definitely check out because it’s pretty swell.


PPS, Here’s a picture I drew of my beehive. It’s got an arrow to “my office” so Jason Ede and OIA people can find it. But I think most New Zealanders understand that when I say “my office” it means I’m in Hawai’i.


PPPS, I mentioned tax cuts eh?



You’re an individual acting rationally in your own self-interest in the marketplace, and today you will really reap the rewards of this. No, you’re not getting a pay-rise, those are for CEOs and corporate lobbyists. The company you work for has now made union-membership voluntary rather than mandatory. Choice is your right as a free-thinking individual, and now you can negotiate your contracts directly with your employer and individually taylor it to your personal needs! You are powerful and should not listen to those who try to drag you down with the implication you may instead be at the mercy of the powerful. As McDonalds is in the ascendance, some of you will feel the powerful guiding force of the hand of the Free Market more strongly. Take heed though, the Nanny State hides in the shadows. Don’t rely on others to support you, that is amoral.


ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Today you will be fired and replaced with an unpaid intern. Take solace in the knowledge that the Free Market economy is working as intended.


TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that community and society exist. That is Communist plot to highjack your worth as an individual. You’re not a Communist are you? I didn’t think so.


GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Powerful people are almost always correct, especially rich people espousing tax cuts for the super-wealthy. You don’t want to punish success, do you?


CANCER (June 22-July 22)
If anyone mentions child poverty today, be sure to tell them the only solution is tax cuts to wealthy and businesses. Never forget to mention trickle-down economics. It is definitely not discredited.


LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
It will feel a bit like you’re a tiny cog in a giant machine today, but remember the mantra: “Deregulate, deregulate, deregulate”. If there’s a question about what’s appropriate, you are wise to err on the consumerist side.


VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don’t be tempted to find solace in the company of your friends. Friendship is illusory and merely reflects mutual self interest. 


LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Today, some poor people will complain that they are not getting enough assistance. You’ll be the discerning one who can see that poor people are always lazy and should stop being poor.


SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
If you choose to help others, you are simply undermining their ability to perform as rational individuals who behave in their own self-interest. If you choose to purchase, you choose patriotism. 


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Be stronger; make money. The weak can’t do it. It’s up to you now. How do you feel? Strong enough? OK then. Earn. They’ll follow your example.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Something you told yourself recently is not quite right. Is there another voice that rings true in your ears? That’s right, it’s the Invisible Voice of the Invisible Hand of the Free Market. So I guess the hand has a mouth on it? 


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The conundrum of the day: You are wealthy, but not quite wealthy enough to pay less tax. Solution: Keep imagining a day when you will be wealthy enough to perform tax avoidance with real aplomb.


PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Call it freedom — the freedom to trade with countries that your country has signed restrictive contracts with and prevent you from trading with those you haven’t. Hmmm, can you taste the freedom?

(Thanks to Chris Bear-Strong & Billy Aiken for your valued contributions. May the Free Market be with you.)

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